Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
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My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months