@Rollinintheseat

Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.

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@dorsalstream

*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME

@pilau

her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy

me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy

her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it

@Dildo_Hitler

Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk

@AmericanGent69

Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.

@BruceForce

*spreads rose petals on the bed*

[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”

@lazerdoov

*bursts into a bank*

EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME

@AnkCoupleTO

[on the phone]

Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem

@katiefzack

If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.

@Donna_McCoy

Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.