*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
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her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.