Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
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Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
every man in east london
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like