Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.

I should probably buy him something soon.

The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”

Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..

..

..

..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!

INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat

ME: omg was I supposed to bring one

I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination

Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.

Story of my life…..

[in hell]

ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad

SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—

ME: ugh

SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows

ME: UGH

Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.

My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet

Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.

[me, being murdered] agree to disagree

To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …

When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”

Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.

@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂

I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.

(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?

Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?

Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-

Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?

Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.

everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?

me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine

Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.

Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention

Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that

Invention: *crying*

Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.

For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.

[reading Harry Potter]

Me: Do you know what’s going on?

3-year-old: He went to lizard school.

I’d correct her, but her version is better.

When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume

whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.

when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go

Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet