Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.

It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.

This one’s “Alex”.

I am having an out of money experience.

Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?

who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function

Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.

Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.

Parenting is fun.

Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.

A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.

I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.

The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings

The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.

So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?

prisoner 1: what are you in for?

prisoner 2: murder

prisoner 3: arson

hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now

[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.

i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again

I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary

When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.

In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.

Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.

Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌

Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?

My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice

Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?

16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?

My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.

If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”

Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green. 

Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.