Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
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Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t