Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
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Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
I am also baked goods
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited