Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
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Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
*pronounces woah like Noah*
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
i love modern commerce
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.