Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
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Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.