“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
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used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said ‘It’s going to rain.’
His wife asked, ‘How do you know?’
He replied, ‘Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
My favorite farside!!
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive