Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think about this cartoon a lot.

Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind

Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.

Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.

“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.

I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.

I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.

[first day as a director]

me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup

The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.

It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.

My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.

ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??

ME: yeah, totally

[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]

ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T

*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs

brain: did we get anything done this weekend?

me: no

brain: ok then at least we relaxed

me: somehow also no

If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.

#SaturdayBears

Am I romantic?

I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.

So, I don’t know.

You tell me.

My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]

I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*

I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!

Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.

there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company

Those three magical words:

“Where’s the plunger?”

Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*

I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom

What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet.

Her: pull my hair!

Edward Scissorhands: oops

Her: why oops?

My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.

Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?

Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?

Me: Probably not.

Friend: PROBABLY?

Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.

The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.