Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Club]

Him: You want to dance?

Her: *Giggling* Ok

Him: *Scowling* Well go on then

I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.

Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.

Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…

My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.

My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.

Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is

The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon

I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.

“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”

I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.

doctor: what’s wrong?

me: nobody can tell the time anymore

doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock

Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!

Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.

*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*

My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.

Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?

Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.

me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?

mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”

“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”

Commas can make a world of difference…

The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.

She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.

Patrol.

[pulled over by cop]

COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?

MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]

a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”

I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.

Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark

Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.

Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles

God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher

Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke

buys donuts instead

You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.

I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.

Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?

Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.

#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning