“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
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People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
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When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!