Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
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I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Friend: If you give it some deep thought—
Me: Let me stop you right there.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
beware of dog
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”