Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
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Time for evil
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off