Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
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Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Airlines: “here’s the easiest way to get on and off the plane. We do this all day every day.”
Passengers: “wait, I have a another idea!”
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
fucked up and threw a surprise party for my minimalist friend. now 25 of us hiding behind the granite orb
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Just grow your own
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.