Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.

How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”

Got him!

Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*

Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.

Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.

Me: They’re ibuprofen.

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles

Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.

Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*

Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay

tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist

me: no I just hate running

MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.

“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.

Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?

Me: why?

Her: who vacuums their bed?

Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.

The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.

Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?

It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.

Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?

The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.

You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that

Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place

Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect

Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho

Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.

You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.

My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.

I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.

Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)

‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’

– idiots

[when someone likes me]

*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me

[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.