Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told someone what city I live in.

“Oh are you married to a doctor?”

“No. My husband is though.”

Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems

shit, they caught us—run!!!

Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?

a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..

Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)

“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.

I was really excited to see the Wicked movie until it got shoved down my throat in product placements. Now I just want to drop a house on the marketing director. And steal their shoes

Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.

Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.

News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”

Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”

Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*

no one:

not a soul:

my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us

I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there

*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*

So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?

Date: describe yourself to me in three words

Me:

*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*

You crazy? Security will hear us

Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?

NOTHING

Security: ALRIGHT

Yup.

A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.

Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.

Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.

Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.

when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol

Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare

Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR

Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!

Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy