Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.

Him: You need to be more active in your community.

My Community: NOOOOO!!!!

the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it

Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?

Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators

I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues

Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway

Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?

Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years

Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?

Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen

Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?

Me:

Her: when’s my birthday Kyle

Me:

Me: happy b-

Her: it was yesterday

cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.

Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case

Word: sweet, I’ll change the font

Me: no no keep the font

Word: ok I’ll just change the size

Me: please keep the size the same

Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol

If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”

16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.

5: Can you cut off the skin?

Me: What?

5: *holds up sandwich* the skin

M: The crust?

5: yeah

M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.

I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

I hate when people can’t let go of the past.

Debt collectors are the worst.

me: are there really aliens at area 51

pentagon official: that’s confidential

me: then how’d i hear about it

It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.

It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.

“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon

them: how are you

you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal

Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk

Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…

Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*

Me: …Mr. Bean

My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.

Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that

[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.

Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.

If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.

All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.

Replace all HR departments with fight clubs

My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.