Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.

Yup.

He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.

Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks

My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!

Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.

At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.

What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot

Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

[emergency]

[super hero appears]

GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!

HERO: I…I don’t know

Introducing ManBat

A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)

that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has

coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way

me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding

lol sometimes I-

[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”

typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully

My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.

Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.

To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party

Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.

My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯

Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.

But science tells us otherwise.

#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?

well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night

wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them

before you call me an idiot consider this: i know

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky

I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.