Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
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You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
we’re dead?
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.