never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
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I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby