never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
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in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures