Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Customer: Can someone else serve us?

Me:?

C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.

M: Satan wants their tiny souls.

Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest

[guy about to invent bowling]

let’s have some fun, but not too much

“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market

Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…

Justice League, confused: So like, which half?

Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.

I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.

wife: i think the zoo is closing.

me: pff how are they going to make us leave?

(lions roaring in the distance)

No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.

Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…

“uh… dare.”

-Pinocchio

Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!

Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!

I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

genie: wishes should be limited

monkeys paw: and come with consequences

shooting star: don’t forget rare

birthday candle: yeah and secret

dandelion: ok you guys need to relax

Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”

*deletes your contact information*

Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.

Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.

NOT all policemen are strippers.

I’m not lazy

[First day as villain]

Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]

“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?

[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.

I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them

Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia

I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though

[Seeing your baby for the first time]

Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.

Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.

Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?

one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]

There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.

Saturday