never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
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Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
TEETH IS INNOCENT
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating