Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
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Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit