Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

but that was my emotional support daylight

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.

genie: you have three wishes

me: end the pandemic

genie: [snaps fingers] done

me: get me a good job

genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history

me: i wish to own a home

genie: dude come on

People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch

[Toddler 911]

911: what’s your emergency?

Son: it’s naptime.

911: have you tried stalling?

Son: I asked for water.

911: and your favorite stuffed animal?

Son: yep.

911: that toy you shoved under the couch?

Son: they don’t know where that’s at.

911: perfect. ask for that.

FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.

Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’

Hubby : It’s a scarf!

[in court]

me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard

judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know

HER: so like, what are you into?

ME: coincidences

HER: no way, me too!

My 13 yro daughter just asked

What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?

My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire

My favorite Christmas movies are A Christmas Story, A Charlie Brown Christmas and The Exorcist

Strange things: the prequel

Stranger things

2 Stranger 2 Things

Strangest Threengs

Strangfour th4ngs

5tranger Thing5

Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift

Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy

I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.

Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician

People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.

Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes

Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t

[Origins…]

BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?

ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?

I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.

Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!

~later~

5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit

Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.

i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”

Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.

Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless

Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.

I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.

7-year-old: *using her tablet*

Me: You’re not doing your homework.

7: How did you know?

Me: You haven’t complained all morning.

Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.

How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now