Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in

My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.

Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*

There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot

don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”

can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week

My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.

Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish

Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*

Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home

Me: Holy shit

We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.

A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along

JESUS: [walks on water]

JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle

JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas

JUDAS: Actually..

me: this is my horse mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.

My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.

He did a 3 year stretch.

need him

The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.

My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples

All the tiny apples:

I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.

Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?

Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?

7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww

[barbarians at the gate]

Me: I just need to let this song finish…

[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]

Date: What’s your favourite meal?

Me: Poop

Date: What?

Me: SOUP, I like eating soup

I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.

*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*

LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…

( -_-)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

Tell your friends”

“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”

2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”

I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!

To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.

I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?

sir, my pâté if you please

I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.