Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
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“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
My wife: Our daughter played Godzilla with her friend at school today.
Me: Wow! What were you?
Toddler: Godzilla!
Me: And what was your friend?
Toddler: Scared!
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea