Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.

God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.

colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan

chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”

Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.

Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?

Him: Yes.

Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.

I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.

2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do

[First day of jury duty]

*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?

I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today

I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.

*vows*

Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!

if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?

People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.

i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you

i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem

Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’

[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]

[me to the fridge] you had one job

My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls

Hey, my eyes are up here.

Nope. Higher.

– snails, probably

Banana is the quietest snack

Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same

My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???

[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.