Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
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I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
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Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Not many talk about it anymore, ever since they dropped the sport as “not Olympic enough,” “undignified and stupid,” and “Who the hell let him in here again?” but I was proud to represent the US at the ’56 Winter Games in Men’s Pillow-Fighting.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
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Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)