Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No more excuses…

…I’m canceling that gym membership.

I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.

Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.

The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.

“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”

Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKING

How Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS

I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.

As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.

Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?

Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want

Me: how are you feeling about all of this?

Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.

Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.

So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌

After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.

[chamber of commerce]

harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn

“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”

If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.

CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi

Wanted:
1 Psychic.

You know who you are.

Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.

God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?

50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun

50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST

Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.

0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.

2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.

condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids

Artwork by Herta Burbe

Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.

Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.

Her: oh my god i’m so wet

Me: have you tried putting it in rice?

{bedazzling my new tee shirt}

DO NOT RESUSCITATE

Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”

Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.

I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time

At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids

Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs