never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
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Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon