Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
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‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩🟩🟩⬜️🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩🟩🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.
Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?