Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?

Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”

If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?

Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6

Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons

“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything

I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.

Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.

Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.

Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.

*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?

I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments

My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.

Reasons I visit a TL:

1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know

I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)

‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’

– Romancing the stoned

remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me

[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?

People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”

[visit to zoo]

See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.

I was very concerned with my Grandma today

If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name

I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life

Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day

007: the name’s bond…james bond

me: nice to meet you bond james bond

007: just james bond

me: bond just james bond

007: no my full name is just james bond

me: nice to meet you just james bond

007: you know i can legally kill you

me: no, never met him

007: *draws weapon*

ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u

I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.

Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.

kid: 5 more minutes

dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime

The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.

me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–

detective: okay I got the picture

me: oh wow that was really fast