Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
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I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
It’s the weekend y’all
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO