Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue

With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.

I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about

You two just need to get out more.

– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice

I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen

Opened my notes app and instead of finding MY notes, which I’ve saved on each iPhone I’ve had since 2017, I found SOMEONE ELSE’S NOTES.

These mystery notes include three local numbers, a password, and a SSN… Among less savory things.

BUT WHERE IS MY FINNISH NISSU BREAD RECIPE

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..

The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.

[Satanic ritual]

Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this

Me: the sacrifice

Leader: they’re cupcakes

Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM

Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”

Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.

“They’re gray with gray stripes”

– me warning my dog about skunks

A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*

Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy

Parents: omg yes

The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.

app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later

BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.

ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.

“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”

BRAIN: Excellent.

I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.

Happy birthday to all the women

texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points

7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”

Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.

if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel

don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags

“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.

I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.

Top of the ramen to ya, laddies

What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?