Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
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Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Smooooooth
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.