@GregorJFord

Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!

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@FellowIdle

Manager just called me ‘part of the problem’, and I feel so offended.

Mostly, I’m the whole problem.

@notalogin

Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.

@hardlyrelevant

“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*

@abbycohenwl

I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right

@BGH70

Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.

@copymama

Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*

@sarcasticmommy4

My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.

@JustBeingEmma

My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

@Probablyrad

Today’s kids will never know how it felt to give your computer AIDS just for free music

@DecantAndPour

I always keep an empty milk bottle in the fridge just in case anyone wants a black coffee.