Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!

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Manager just called me ‘part of the problem’, and I feel so offended.

Mostly, I’m the whole problem.


Did you ask her out?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.


“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*


I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right


Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.


Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*


My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.


My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”


Today’s kids will never know how it felt to give your computer AIDS just for free music


I always keep an empty milk bottle in the fridge just in case anyone wants a black coffee.