Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec

My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.

[on trial for murder]

lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water

me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-

judge: answer the question

I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.

Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.

The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.

My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time

A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want

My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.

I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.

what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?

Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.

I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?

Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time

I’m not crazy.

I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.

I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.

I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?

Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”

Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.

HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.

… Nailed it!

I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.

the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say

me: want to read more harry potter?

7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore

me: dumbledore

7: right, dumpledore

me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ

OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON

my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.

the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip