Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
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Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!