Never share a secret with a clock.
Because Time will tell.
You Might Also Like
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.