Never share a secret with a clock.
Because Time will tell.
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*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks
God: Hmmm..
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Well lets see. . . .2020: Didn’t jog. . . . .2021: Didn’t jog. . . . .2022: Didn’t jog. . . . .2023: Didn’t jog. . . . .2024: Haven’t jogged ~ This is kind of a running joke with me.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.