Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.

Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves

coworker: a little bird told me—

me: —where

coworker: uh

me: i want to talk to the little bird

Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered

Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”

The pizza theorem:

“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”

-Science

Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous

Water buffalo: Who?

P: That beautiful flamingo over there.

WB: Go talk to her.

P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.

WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…

WB/P: …not a Pelicant.

Me trying to “trust the process”

Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.

HAHAHAHAHA!

Just kidding. He totally threw up.

Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.

Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.

If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.

ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads

REQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.

Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.

I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble

[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.

Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”

I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”

Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it

[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box

Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk

I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed

Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!

I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.

Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.

when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing