never signed up for a 401k cuz there’s no way in hell i can run that far
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hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”