never signed up for a 401k cuz there’s no way in hell i can run that far
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[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000