Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Speed date]

Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT

When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.

It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.

Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible

Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo

They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.

I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.

9-year-old: No one can read my diary.

Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.

9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.

I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.

shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”

{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit

I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.

I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…

my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon

To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.

To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.

When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.

If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.

Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.

watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy

Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.

“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”

My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.

Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.

Me: I just took my contacts out.

Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.

Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.

Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.

Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!

society: let’s give mothers their very own day

me: what about sharks?

society: we’ll give them a whole week

Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:

8am: breakfast

8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap

6:30pm: dinner

7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep

Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?

Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water

My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth