Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.
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*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Like sleeping!
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Overindulged this afternoon.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
google sheets just froze up (for everyone) on a call and i said guys i think we all just got laid off
people do NOT like that joke
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
2 years later
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up