Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.
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Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down