Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pushes you to the couch and latches on*

I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.

*pretends to eat your hair*

Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.

I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.

ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means

Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive

My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.

My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.

Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.

My what?

An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.

Sorry I said your cat was ugly.

Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.

T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?

TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?

RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING

I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home

*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME

When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.

The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.

[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra

I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.

Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.

*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*

date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in

am i cooked

Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.

I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.

I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.

Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.

Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.

Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”

ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.

CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.

[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day