Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.
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inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date