Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
You Might Also Like
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
every day my youngest daughter asks if i am here for the “silly billy look-a-like contest.” how much of this is a good man meant to take before he is radicalized
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
serving silly goose instead of turkey
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
They should make a moral fiber supplement
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce