Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4-year-old: Are goats real?

Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.

4: *runs away*

Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”

I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.

Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of

Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.

Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes

i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs

Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.

the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants

Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place

Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?

[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-

I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.

If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE

Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…

heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt

heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat

I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.

interviewer: describe your hero

me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room

“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.

Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.

Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.

“Omg, I literally just died”

-people who literally don’t know what literally means

Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.

*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*

British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years

When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.

Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!

The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.

I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.

I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.

One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.