Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
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The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares.
It’s nice to have some company
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”