Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.

Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.

I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:

Heyyyy Macarena.

Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?

Son: No.

Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.

The Sun’s probably Asian.

The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.

There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist

I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.

I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.

I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!

*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.

INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?

ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.

student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.

I am crying

*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*

Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.

Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?

Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.

[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”

ME: *Lips on mic* No.

JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?

Me: Forever young!

Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.

Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.

“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.

[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]

Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.

How many calories are in Twitter beef?

Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off

neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?

me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.

@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor

Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?

I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.

It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.

Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good

I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.

her: i’m leaving you

me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands

her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing

me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance

me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first