Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…

why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward

I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.

Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct

FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.

If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me

Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl

You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.

Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne

Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone

A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?

Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.

Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies

Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows

If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.

You can tell a lot about someone by the stuff you make up in your head about them.

If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.

The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.

Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.

[reading The Night Before Christmas]

son: what’s a kerchief?

daughter: what’s a clatter?

son: what’s a sash?

daughter: what are coursers?

son: what’s soot?

daughter: what’s a peddler?

son: what’s a thistle?

me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.

Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:

22 month old son: When’s she going back?

Me: Back where?

Son: To her house at the hospital.

Me: She lives with us now.

Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.

I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.

PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face

COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect

I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time

My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard

ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.

My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere

A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.