never stops being funny
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[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.