never stops being funny
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me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Well, this explains it:
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.