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Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.