Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door

Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock

“What should we call ourselves?”

How about 22 pilots?

“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”

21 pilots?

“Omg”

Hub: Let’s go see a movie

Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*

H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.

ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No

Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.

Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.

hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for

I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.

people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]

Her: Hi!

Him, making a weird face: Hi.

Her: Hi.

Him: …

Her: …

Him: Hi.

Her: Hi.

Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*

him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve

me: that’s ketchup

Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.

Well played ladies, well played.

My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet

Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.

I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.

Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]

but that was my emotional support daylight

[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason

The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.

There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.

me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.

executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?

my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much

me: let me out then

What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?

Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”

When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?

Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing

There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.

A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars

Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.

My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…

“Hold my rice cake”

Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.

Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!

Me: I didn’t mean for you.

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

ME: do u like smart guys

GIRL AT BAR: yes

ME: sorry i wasted your time