Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
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“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Goodnight 🐶
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Two
Three
Four
Tell the people what she wore…
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Get kittens they said… at least then you’ll know why you’re wide awake at 3am every night
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.