Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
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“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
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Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
finally found a reasonable question
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.