Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
You Might Also Like
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?
Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.
Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world
Smokey the bear: o hell no
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you
me: stop threatening me
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.