Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you
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I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.