WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
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My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.