Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
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The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?
Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”