Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
You Might Also Like
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.