Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
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Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.