Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
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Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.