Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
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Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.