Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
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Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Drilling for oil is well boring.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.