Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
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Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
One week of daily crunches and I have abs…urdly underestimated how long it will take to see results.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
It’s a gift
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.