Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999

[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry

Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first

They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.

My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M

DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch

do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?

I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.

Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level

I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection

my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…

Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch

The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.

Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,

[having sex with centaur]

ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*

Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.

Which is basically the same thing.

You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.

Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school

Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them

Her: How would you describe that green sheep?

Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?

Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!

Entrapment 101

Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?

Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?

Hubs: Touché

Doctor: Have often do you have sex?

Me: Once or twice

Doctor: A week?

Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on

“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane

Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.

My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.

My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.

Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.

me: brush your teeth

my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth

Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho

I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.

Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.

Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..