Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.
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Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse
Drilling for oil is well boring.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Proctologist = Analyst
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
“Can you put it all in an email?”
Translations:
1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.