Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.
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Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Stop sending me this shit.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.