Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
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Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Pilgrim: What the hell is that?
Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.
– The first green bean casserole.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.