Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
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Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Two
Three
Four
Tell the people what she wore…
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it