Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.

next question.

Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.

HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.

I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow

I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors

Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me

I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”

I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.

[me as a mechanic]

*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.

The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.

If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.

I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.

And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.

All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.

Murder* documentaries**

My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.

[Before the ten commandments were handed down]

Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?

Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea

He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go

Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low

I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.

Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.

whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”

I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.

When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.

Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.

thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’

17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.

I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time

My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave

Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.