Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
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One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
The options really are this bad
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.