Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
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Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.